To do or not to do that is the question?

So today I am reflecting on how difficult it is to share with people, especially people you are close to about issues that make them uncomfortable. Even though you know that about the person you still hope they will show interest and caring and let you unload for a little while. Since I live alone I found I am a poor listener and my advice to myself seems to be one sided. So I try to depend on those who I know well to be my sounding board but I recently discovered they are only trying to show they are interested because they don't want to hurt my feelings.

So I have decided to write and not burden my friends with things they cannot fully understand.

I have 5 wonderful grandchildren and they are facing difficult times that they have no control over. They are at the age where life should be carefree and full of fun with friends and activities to enjoy. So what can one grandma do? I am not sure, so as I counsel myself about this I am at lose about how I should provide support. As I struggle to use my edit button about certain individuals I am trying to think of examples from the past that will guide me with an appropriate action.

So here are some of my thoughts, pray, pray and pray for wisdom and guidance. Hope I am able to hear the answer and implement the plan. Be available when possible to provide hugs, brownies, cake, hugs, ice cream, hugs and throw in some kisses and positive comments. yep that sounds about right,

Then maybe I can do something special like a movie night at mops or some crafts with paper and drawing tools. Maybe I will sing to them, well that never worked to good with their parents, occasionally sponsor a pity party, with tissues and candle light.

I suppose I could refrain from cooking and order meals more often. I could also start family night where we sit like the Walton family and have meals at the table and share about our day, or I could make sure everynight I holler out goodnight Sam boy and good night Josh boy.. hope they don't look for those boys with those odd names.

I guess I really don't need to have a live person to help me, it seems like I may be getting the hang of doing this solo. But I do think I need to have some moral support now and then as talking to myself could land me in some hospital mental health ward being assessed by their in house therapist.

I suppose this too shall pass and should anyone read this it would be real helpful if you could remember Sam, Kailtyn, Tyler, Joshua and Lauren when you pray that they will feel God's presence in their lives and maybe the song I have shared with them that goes like this, Yes, Jesus love you, Yes, Jesus love you, hmmm, hmmm and hmmm
I always forget the ending.

Reflections

Here I sit at 2:15 AM trying to get tired enough to sleep. I have been listening to music for the past 20 minutes or so. Josh my grandson said to me yesterday that October had been a real bad month for me, I have to agree. My grandson's stay overnight a lot and they love going back in the bedrooms to watch TV but they do love to jump more. The constant prediction that one day if they continued jumping something bad would happen. Well, it did. Of course it couldn't be in my room, no they were on my parents bed and sure enough the ultimate disaster, the bed frame broke and down the corner of the bed thumped. Thankfully all the instruments stored under the bed were spared but not my nerves. I saw my life flash in front of my eyes, or does that only happen to those who are near death. Poor Sam rushed to the bathroom crying and gagging he was so scared and Josh came out whistling. Somehow, Josh's approach seemed to be more calming. Then I decided to take the boys to trunk or treat at two different churches and because walking without a shopping cart is difficult I remained in my car as they ran around getting another bag of candy. I listened to my radio, forgot my lights were on, then when the boys came back to the car we were trapped by other cars around us so we sat there looking at their hull of goodies and then suddenly a gap was available and I decided to pull around with caution of course so I turned my key and all I heard was the dreaded click click click no power and I am trying to remain focused on what in the world would cause my battery to run down. So I called my son and as positive as he can possibly be he pointed out that sitting several hours with all that running without the engine on was probably the cause and yes he would come save me from two sugar high boys and a dead battery,if he could find me.

You see I am having company this Friday and now they will have to sleep standing up or at least I plan to prop their feet up so they don't slide out of bed. But the very saddest part of this whole lament is the lady who cleans for me cannot come this week. So I will have to send my guests to the filling station restrooms, mine really need help. Or I am playing with the idea of renting a suite at the Country Inn and staying with my guests there. I will have to ponder this more.

So as I reflect on this situation I am reminded that things could be worse, I could be back in the hospital. Isn't funny how things such as the above develop out of choices we make. Even though the boys have been warned many times they made a choice to continue. Even though I know that sitting with everything humming in my car a dead battery could result yet I made a choice to ignore those thoughts and selfishly decided to play music sing along alone in my car and watch for the boys. Too bad we never reflect first before making choices. Poor Sam was totally green from fear so we talked about his choice that resulted in the damage. I asked him if he had decided to break the bed when he jumped, he said no. I said I didn't think so but see you decided to jump even though you knew it was wrong did he understand, he said yes. So even though my first thought was to beat his rear end the punishment was already administered by him waiting to see what would transpire.

Reflection is important. I had a bleeding ulcer that I am told is active and I had to have blood transfusions. Now the whole experience of what tests they performed to find this was invasive and gross so you would think that I would be super careful about what I am feeding this ulcer but no I am feeling better and you got it I am experimenting everyday with forbidden items.

I guess my thoughts are that if we spent time on reflecting about our past decisions and really made better choices our lives would flow better I am starting to think I have old timers setting in and my rationale has been impaired and soon the kids will hold a meeting about me and decide that I need to have 24/7 supervision and I will be like Sam green around the gills and waiting for someone to comfort me.

Good bye Garage

Well, here I sit my last official night in my house next to my garage. After everything said and done I found the garage wasn't as special as I had made it to be. It is just a big square, cement floors stained with oil and mud from the constant trips in and out. It has unfinished walls and even though it gives shelter it still gets cold and feels damp.

Tomorrow when my son-in-law and daughter come to move my things I will pull out of my garage and drive away and I doubt I will shed a tear. You see this has been an unusual time for me. I lost my job, and within 7 days started a new job and never put an application out there. I received an email from a person I hadn't seen in over 5 years and she said I heard you lost your job and wondered if I would be interested in a position with her company. The real miracle was the offer of having my health insurance paid and work part time hours. I can't write all the details why this is so amazing but it was an answer to prayer. Not only did I have this offer I received a severance package, ability to draw unemployment, and I was able to start drawing on my ex husbands Social Security Benefit as a surviving spouse.

I have had a tremendous sense of relief and peace. I am now moving home at the age of 60 almost 61. Seems strange. I tried real hard to keep my job, it is hard to explain how you just know like a second sense that no matter what you do you can't stop the process from happening. At that point you know God must be sending you a life boat, a rescue boat and maybe a lifeguard so it is better to wait and see what He has planned. So needless to say I struggled with my situation and spent many sleepless nights and wondered if I was doing the right thing. So when I received the email the next week about this new job it just reaffirmed that God controls everything and He just needs to see if we are trusting Him.

So a new chapter is starting and I am rather anxious to see what the end of the story will look like. It could include a tall dark stranger with deep blue eyes and has lots of money and drives a fancy car. But knowing my luck I will find a strange dark curly haired dog riding in a fancy car and only eats expensive food.... Never know just have to wait and see... God is good.

Not to long ago Kim told me about a message her preacher gave about "at the end everything goes back in the box" as always that kind of phrase makes me think.
She is quite the reporter of his messages. I think you have to hear him speak and how he presents his message and listen to the way he uses phrases and objects to illustrate his message.

This past month I have found myself in a new but familiar place. I am days away from finding out if I have a job. The economy and other circumstances have placed this situation right in my lap. Not only will I be unemployed but will have to move. I know this will sound selfish to some but giving up my garage will be the most difficult to let go. I love pulling up pushing this little button, watch the door raise and pull my car in and one more push of that little button and the door shuts. Wow, it is so neat. I don't have to get wet, too cold, scrape my windows, or trudge up the drive to put my groceries away. I love the security of pulling in and shutting the world out. I can be home if I want or I can pretend I am gone. No one knows since you can't tell if my car is there or not.

I will be leaving behind a program I helped to design and develop but making the garage and the job equal, the garage wins. I love my condo and the space. I do believe that God lead me to it, it was a late night find on the computer, I didn't find it Kim did. Right location, right price ( well almost) and there was a bonus of an office. But as I look ahead the message that Kim sent me has started to make sense. After all this is just stuff, material things not eternal things and at the end they will all go back in the box. I have enjoyed my 2 years living here and unlike many others losing their jobs I do have a place to go until I can decide on another plan. The past 5 years working at this agency and with the county has offered me new learning experiences. I have met many new people and have learned new things about AOD issues, Homeless programs, Mental Health and I wouldn't change a thing.

So what now Lord I have been asking, where to Lord and is there a plan? Cause I am always making plans and not always patient when it comes to the details. Everytime there is a change once made I am amazed at where I end up and what new things I am doing.

It is almost Christmas, my tree is up but half the lights are burned out, the bow never got on top, my village is still sitting in the plastic tub and the house looks like Christmas has already been here and gone.

I had such hope..

my enthusiasm got up and went and no matter how much self talk I do I am struggling to make myself motivated to get it finished. So this year I am not going to worry about it being perfect, or the obvious unfinished decorations, instead I am going to remember that Christmas is about Family, Family support each other and giving is about sharing our love for one another and this year I will just place my lamp closer to the tree, place a few more shiny bulbs in the black out area of my tree and when someone asks where is the topper for my tree I am going to reply "It's there, can't you see it?" Well, maybe I forgot to take it out of the box. That would be just my luck.

Come on Put on those Shoes

Let me get my shoes on was my grandmother. Every time you called to asked her to go somewhere she always had the same quick reply and the standard answer “just give time to get my shoes on”. She lived a wonderful life filled with adoring grandchildren and great grandchildren and put her last pair of shoes on at the age of 99. She was destined we all thought to reach the 100 mark, you know, where Willard Scott has their picture on the Smucker’s Jelly Jar and comments on each one as a form of honor. I think if she would have had that privilege I would have told about her shoes. It always struck me how fragile she seemed at times, yet, out she would come with her red high heels. Now, they were not very high but none the less I have forever taken that style from my wardrobe but she never seemed phased by walking anywhere with those shoes.

My grandmother was a preacher’s wife and I used to love going to her house to stay when I was a child. It was a place to use your imagination. Upstairs in the parsonage was a little door with bags of donated clothes. Several times I would go up there, pull out a bag and try things on, including the hats. In that very moment I was the preacher’s wife and the lady of the house. Evangelists used to stay at the home of the pastor and when they would come for a revival my grandmother would cook a big meal with tapioca pudding. I remember because I thought that it looked a lot like a bowl of bubbles. Mmmm, it was awfully good. But the very best part of the day was setting the table. That was my job and there was never a comment about how I did only nice words that praised my effort. They thought I was quite the granddaughter they let me roam the house sit and talk but most of all they made me feel that I was home. I loved to go in after school, go to the refrigerator and peek around to my grandpa and say “hi, Pa”, and continue my search for something to eat and if my grandfather were alive today he would tell you I should stop that mad dash to the fridge cause I am very “fleshy”. He was a tell it like it is person, if you preach you have to be honest.

The one thing that my grandmother did to make my arrival special from time to time was make me a big cup of Ovaltean she would put canned milk along with regular milk to give it a special taste and if I were lucky there would be a few marshmallows floating on top. As my grandmother got older it was fascinating to watch her evolve. One night sitting with her she told me how she never quite agreed with my Grandpa’s preaching on what you should wear but always respected him to dress accordingly. Then she went on to talk about the TV she didn’t really care for it but boy did she get upset with Marsha Clark during the OJ trial. When she went to the nursing home she would not use it because she was afraid it would disturb the other patients. She was lots of fun, she loved to play checkers, could recite the states and then recite the alphabet backwards. She was one special lady. I bought her a large print Bible and she read all the way through then stuck it in her purse and gave it back. I have high blood pressure and of course she had taken garlic tablets for years for her blood pressure. One Sunday we were sitting together in church and she digs in her purse and pulls out a bottle wrapped up in a bread bag and, you got it, there was a big jar of garlic pills. She whispered to me to put them in my purse and take them. One funny thing that stood out to me was my uncle’s grandson had red hair and he didn’t like it so she told him to bleach it like the girls do. I just looked at her like she grew two heads. 90 some years and she was promoting bleach. She had a competitive spirit and a wonderful sense of humor. She listened when you talked.


Although it has been a few years since she has been gone her memory will come up in conversation when we send balloons to the sky to share with her. Or Sam will comment on missing Great Grammy. We chat about her tea and how we thought she had a secret recipe and all the time is was a jar of Nestle instant tea. We treasured that gallon jug when she made it for us to take home. One time she made her own soap out of lye. She made me a bar to use to do my laundry. At the time I thought “ I am so sure I am going to go home and shave that into my washer”. One time I came in and she had painted this metal frame and had her flower pots in it then on closer inspection I saw it had once been a rack for the grave sites. Ugh. She made me pot holders to take home. She had crocheted the outer part and then told me the inside was made from the lint in her dryer. Nothing was wasted and every thing had a dual purpose. The people preaching Green today should have met my grandmother. I suppose that now that I have reached the grand ole age of 60 I am trying to think of things my grandchildren and I can do that they can write about later. Well, that will take more time than a few hours. Mostly they will probably tell you that my fire alarm beeps until their dad can come and change the battery. Or that we eat out more than in. Well, you get the picture. I guess the moral of my story is I am really lucky to have had this wonderful heritage of family and I really hope as a family we pass it on.

If you bow your head it is not gossip........

I grew up going to church where you had to wear the holy bun, dresses to your ankles, no jewelry, no makeup, and they really preferred you didn't curl your hair. TV was a definite signal that sin was at your doorstep. Going to dances or to the movies was sure to send you to Hell.

One preacher referenced the Nazarenes as being worldly and from the pulpit stated that if he saw someone that he felt was not living the Christian life he would cross the street rather than speak to them. HMMM Then there was the pastor that said if he came to visit a home and saw a television antenna he would not go to the door. HMMM There was the pastor that preached on a woman's hair was her glory, now I had just cut my hair to shoulder length, a young man pointed that scripture out to me after church letting me know that I may have just committed the big one, being the person I am I quickly answered that I thought God probably appreciated my hairdo much better than his mother's. I continued "look at her hair it is partially in a hairnet and the rest is straggling all over her face". He shut is bible and walked away, guess he thought I was a lost soul.

The one thing I remember the most from this group of people was their feeling and belief that they had the right to judge and that somehow their sacrifice was far more superior than anyone else. The best example of this was the treasurer of one church who stood to give the annual report.

She started this way:

As most of you know we have had a bad year of giving. So I have struggled to keep the lights on and to pay the expenses. Now paying the preachers salary was difficult and to pay his utilities. As some of you know he was going to marry my daughter but when we were planning the wedding we found out he wasn't ordained. He says he has been working on it and it is almost done but now we will have to get someone else. This has been really stressful. I think his salary was based on bein ordained. Did anyone else know this? (the preacher is sitting behind her) Also, most of you know how I have been saving for a winter coat and almost have enough saved to buy it. But I stand here with all these bills and well, I put my coat money in to pay the utilities even though I will have to wait now till next year to buy that coat.... Everytime I share this story and think about it I have to chuckle... Sacrificial giving is rarely known, it is so personal.. this annual report had offered an opportunity to tell a bit of gossip.. no matter who it hurt...

One church would not let the trio I sang with sing because I had a class ring and short hair. Finally someone advocated for us and when we got up to sing everyone looked down. I guess if you look at someone sin rubs off. HMMM... Funny thing I see many of those same people now and miracle of miracle, they have curled their hair, dropped the hairnet and in some cases may have TV's but we may never know since antenna's are no longer needed, wouldn't that have put that preacher over the edge.

Then there is the pew preacher that when time to testify takes to the aisle and goes down each aisle pointing at different people covering the areas of each person's fault that they want to cover for the preacher. Sometimes the person sitting there is blindsided by the things the finger pointer is sharing with the other parishioners. Cause,if anyone knows what you are doing wrong, they do, usually they are driving past your house and checking on you.

My last one I saved because it was so, so, I went to church with my grandparents and the older preacher was of course preaching about things. As he got heated up and pounding the pulpit he said " the devil has many ways to pull us in with all the modern devices. First we have the the electric lights and now the bathtub it is just the devils way to pull us in to a way of the world" " Sin, Sin, that is all these modern do dads are" So those of you who use your tub and lights you might want to pray for forgiveness first. If you have cable, well, I don't know. it may take a village to save you.

Let's be careful when we have a platform to speak from that we are using it to serve those who are in need and those of us who have positions of influence let's remember that we are privileged with lots of information that needs to remain private.